your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
