there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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