We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
