the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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