DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
