you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
