Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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