I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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