Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize