im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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