Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My vagina just recognized that song.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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