Whod you bang
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
