I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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