I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
