Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize