Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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