i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
