I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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