I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
