I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
