Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
