dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
