I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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