When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
