So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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