Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Everyone says I win the strip club
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
