I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize