This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I would ride that face into the sunset
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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