I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
