Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
