you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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