When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize