Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
