i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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