fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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