Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize