Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
