We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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