did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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