did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
