Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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