I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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