i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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