i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
