she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
