I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
