got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
