I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
