you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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