Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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