youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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