He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so let's talk penis.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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