Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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