If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
