Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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