I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
