I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
