There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
