Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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