he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
