I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
