I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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