The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize