my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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