So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
