so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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