Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
