Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
