I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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