dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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